When You’re Desperate To Hold On To His Peace, In The Face Of Uncertainties
Very early morning this day. Mama turns a golden 70.
And the house is full and hearts are full. And there’s peace and joy that only love can deliver.
That Mama and I would sit by the fire late the night before and talk about getting it right. about loving, living & giving right. And I could see it in her eyes: the longing to know that even in our tight places, even in the uncertainties, even through the pain, she poured her life into all 4 boys and her only girl who now hopes she’s also living her one life well – chasing grace and fighting like crazy for everyday joy.
Because how do you really know? You just have to keep hoping. Keep going.
And you could hear it when we all spoke over mama. How we could now all laugh about the little girl who thought her mama didn’t love her because she always ‘hedged’ her in. Taught her she wasn’t like everyone, so she couldn’t act like everyone. Because whom God loves, He disciplines. He Hedges us in. And mama said it, “yes, I knew when to be your mother and when to be your friend.”
Yes. The pain of sacrifice for the greater joy that is ahead.
The pain of growing and giving without applause. The pain of pouring your life into something or someone. And your heart feels busted because nothing seems to be changing and all seems uncertain. And you feel nothing is even worth it.
But there’s a joy that is ahead. Because our God rewards the diligent. And He is diligent with His Grace.
And yea, you know the things you don’t know can hurt so bad.
But you can receive His peace as you keep on giving, even when you don’t know how it will all turn out.
I know, people can stare. And you can hear the innuendos in their prayers. The aunties, uncles and longtime family friends, you only see at family gatherings. And they’re there summing up all that should have happened or changed since the last time they saw you.
And they hold up their questions with an entitlement of answers. And daddy always says it, “you owe no one.”
Only The One.
The One that hears when you pray in your secret place. How you still pour when no one is watching. How your heart feels shattered because it seems like no one sees.
But He sees.
And He dares us to be bold enough not to give in to false answers that make us feel good. Look good. Or give explanations for where He has us & reasons for our seasons…but just be still. Let Him speak for you.
I used to have answers. False ones. Because ready-answers make us feel in control.
Like when Mr Steady and I were newly weds and people expected a baby sooner than we even did. I could say then, “we are waiting.”
But now that we are eager. Nothing yet.
Yet in the face of this: God always gives an answer. Be still.
When we feel the need to make small talk with false answers, He dares us to hold fast to His Peace and boldly say, “I don’t know. God knows.”
I whisper it to myself, “when I don’t know. God knows.”
And the nest is empty again.
And we are back here packing our whole lives into boxes, headed to a new home in just a few weeks. And we just don’t know how this will all turn out, but we are desperately holding onto His Peace that makes one stand in the face of unknowns.
And we can keep packing and going, and giving & living– because He is diligent & illimitable with Grace.